Big Brother is Watching
by RosarioImpale
Summary: Uchiha Satsuki is hot. But boyfriend beware, because Big Brother doesn't like the idea of dearest little sister dating. Crack!AU, Fem!Sasuke


**Big Brother is Watching**

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Cursing, crack, AU, genderbent Sasuke and Naruto, slight SuigetsuxFem!Sasuke but not really, and psychotic teenagers. Oh, and Slightly-Illegal and Slightly-Insane!Itachi because we love him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or anything related to it. This idea is entirely mine.

* * *

"Sasuke~!" called out an overly boisterous voice. Satsuki slammed her locker shut and whipped a pair of sharpened metal chopsticks at the evil distraction. Said evil distraction merely tossed her head to the side, letting the deadly projectiles continue on their way. They both paid no attention to it.

"What is it now, Naruto? I'm not lending you my notes." Satsuki glared at her blond friend, who was bouncing on her heels.

"Psh, I don't want your stupid notes! I don't need 'em! I got some awesome news~" Naru was practically jumping up and down now in excitement, her chin-length spiky hair flouncing up and down along with her.

"What is it?" sighed Satsuki, walking down the hall to go to the cafeteria.

"You know Hyuuga Hiro, right? Short, shy, stutters like crazy?"

"Hn."

"Yeah, that's him! Well, I think he's sort of cute with his little shy act going on, so I asked him out, and after he woke up from his faint, he said yes! He had to go home today, though, because he hit his head really hard when he hit the floor." Naru swung her bento box into the air, a large smile causing her cheek birthmarks to stretch. It made her look just like a fox.

"That's nice," Satsuki said absent-mindedly, wanting to eat the bento Itachi had packed her. It made her kinda upset, having a big brother who was better than her at everything, even cooking. Well, at least she looked better in a Yamato Nadeshiko outfit. The thought of Itachi in housewife clothes made her mind shut down for a few minutes. She shook her head and continued walking with Naru until they joined up with Haruno Sakura, their other best friend, who was currently introducing her fist to Karin's face.

Life was pretty good, considering.

* * *

Now, I bet you're probably confused at the nicknames. Why on earth are they calling each other by boy names when they were obviously female (Naru especially with that body of hers. A lot of boys went after her, including a few girls. However, not even her fan club was as big as Satsuki's which made no sense to the young Uchiha.)? Well, that was due to when they first met and hated each other. When they were twelve, their teacher, Umino Iruka, set up three-man teams for all their school projects. Some smart-ass decided that putting the school prankster, a fangirl who panted after Hyuuga Neji, and a Yanki was a great idea. Yeah. That's right. Uchiha Satsuki, school genius, was a Yanki back in sixth grade. She liked to skip class to go hang out with a really bad gang, called Oto and wore long skirts, wore allergy masks, and even carried an iron pipe. Naru, while a troublemaker, was actually quite benign in her pranks. They were humiliating, yes, but they weren't cruel-hearted. She lived in a really bad home in a really bad part of town, and when somebody DID pay attention to her, it was either to yell at her or chuck things at her. And Haruno Sakura, the fangirl, was the cutesy, bubbly type who was more interested in boys than homework. Naturally, they all hated each other at the beginning.

Satsuki and Naru were the worst. Several times they were threatened with suspension for fighting on school grounds, then they wised up and took their fights off the campus. Naru, after being punched in the face, wiped the blood from her mouth and said to Satsuki:

"You freak! You might try to look like a girl, but you have the personality of a guy, a really stuck-up, arrogant jerk of a guy! Stupid Sasuke!"

Satsuki stilled, the allergy mask stained red from a bloody nose, and stopped applying pressure to her bruised stomach. "What did you just call me, dobe?"

"SA-SU-KE. If the shoe fits, then wear it, you bitch!"

"Fine," Satsuki spat. "Two can play at that game, NA-RU-TO."

It only got worse from there. Finally, after several trips to the doctor, the harried Iruka went and signed them all up for therapy. Even Sakura, with her raging fangirl issues, slight stalker tendencies, and a habit of using violence to solve problems. That was a girl with a mean right hook.

Hatake Kakashi was a man who never should have been a therapist. He probably needed a therapist of his own, but Naru had a theory he liked the job because he got to lay around in an office all day while he pretended to listen while really thinking about his porn book. Kakashi never made any attempts to dissuade this theory.

After a long and lengthy period of time full of dramatic sessions that'd be a story of it's own, they finally figured out that Naru was schizophrenic and had a voice in her head that was called 'Kyuubi' and wanted to destroy mankind, and had abusive and neglectful guardians; Sakura was needy and latched on to guys because her parents didn't love her enough or something like that; and Satsuki had a very traumatic event in her past that she refused to talk about, parents that neglected her in favor of her older brother, and said brother was off in college at 17 because he was a super-genius and was the only one who cared about her in her entire family.

Naru had been pissed at the injustice of it all, and told Satsuki that her gang days were over, because Team 7 ("When did you decide to name us, you idiot?") was going to be better than any gang named such a prissy name as 'Oto'. Oto never stood a chance when Naru gathered up all the people she trusted with her life (Most of them were all people she had beaten up before. Kiba, who made a sexist comment; Neji with his stuck up ways and bullying of Hiro; Gaara who also had schizophrenia and tried to kill Naru but now were like, bestest buddies EVAR; and Satsuki, who we already talked about.) and told them that Satsuki was leaving, you stupid motherfuckers. It may have come down to fists.

All of them ended up in the hospital. Naru had a punctured lung, broken leg and arm, and two fractured ribs; Neji had a gaping hole in his chest; Kiba had a nasty stab wound in his leg, along with his dog who he had brought to the fight; Chouji had a large chunk out of his side; Shikamaru had a broken pinky (that pansy); Lee with a couple of bruises, nothing bad; Gaara, who had nothing wrong with him but had tagged along anyway because there was a little rumor going around that he had a crush the size of Russia on Naru; and Satsuki, who had a concussion, one broken arm, a shattered collar bone, three fractured ribs and a little internal bleeding. When Satsuki's big brother found out after the hospital phoned him, he was NOT. PLEASED.

Let us break away from our little anecdote to talk about Uchiha Itachi. He was seventeen, had long dark hair in a low ponytail, and was considered the Sexiest Man Alive by many people, male and female. He was a genius, was able to read at two and could do calculus at age six. Several people (who were mad with jealously, those envious buffoons) thought he was a robot created by the Martians to study human life and report back to the Mother Ship when the data collecting was done so they could start the invasion. His personality, which was colder than the vast expanses of ice in Antarctica, probably helped support this popular theory. But if there was one thing that Itachi cared about (other than dango and Pocky) was his beloved little sister. It was his Berserk Button, the motto all villains lived by: **Do not mess with Uchiha Satsuki unless you want to die. Painfully. Slowly. Most likely in a ditch far far away from civilization and in a small black bag. **

Itachi had ran into Satsuki's hospital room, took a good look at her all bandaged up and hooked up to machines and had gone very, very pale. He then shut the door, and started to interrogate Satsuki on what had happened. After the story came out, Itachi nodded, went outside, and took out his phone, diabolic smile on his face.

The police looked for the gang members were Satsuki and Co. had left them unconscious. What they found instead were several bloodstains and some scorch marks from what looked like a flamethrower of all things. Itachi went around with a serene smile on his face all that week, which only grew wider whenever he saw Satsuki. How strange.

Itachi earned his credits from online, staying near Satsuki as she recovered. He got a job as a lawyer, opting out of the family career of being a policeman (much to his Father's dismay) and bought a nice apartment and moved Satsuki's things in with him. He was taking no chances. If Satsuki got screwed up this badly if he was away, then he obviously needed to keep a closer eye! Satsuki was just glad she got to live with 'Aniki'. Dream come true, baby!

* * *

"What are you doing?" asked Itachi, leaning against the doorframe as he watched his adorable little sister put on makeup in the bathroom. It was eight o' clock in the morning, and he really should be getting to work but this was just too weird to pass up.

Satsuki gave him a look as she put on eyeliner, dark choppy bangs clipped out of the way. "I'm putting on makeup, _dearest brother_. Are your eyes that bad now?"

Itachi's eyebrow twitched, the extent of his ability to convey annoyance with his face. He reached out and thumped the back of her forehead. "Back talk is unbecoming on you, _sweet__ sister of mine_. Why are you getting dressed up?"

"I'm going out on a date, Nii-san."

Itachi stiffened. "Why was I not informed of this?" he asked carefully.

"Because somehow all the guys that ask me out suddenly back out an hour after I tell you. It's like you're this bad luck charm or something, no offense. It's so weird," Satsuki said off-handily, uncapping the mascara brush.

Or something indeed. Sweet little naive Satsuki. Never suspecting that it was Big Brother who scared them off with his rules on dating Satsuki. The list of rejected boyfriends included Neji, Kankurou, Kiba (the boy was desperate to prove to his mother that he wasn't gay), Jiraiya (Most likely a joke, given he was married to Senjuu Tsunade. Itachi wasn't taking any chances, though.), Deidara (As. If.), and Orochimaru, who actually stalked Satsuki for a while, not asking for dates (That filthy pedophile! Well, his head was locked up in a box below the Nakano River, so he couldn't touch Satsuki now. Dirty perv...).

Itachi cleared his throat. "What is his name?" He looked at his fingernails, as if examining them. Subtlety was key here.

"Suigetsu. He's okay. A little dumb, but okay. Think male Naruto with a sword fetish."

Sword fetish? _Sword_ _fetish_? This was not okay! What if he had other fetishes? _What if he got ideas? _

"Ah, I see," was what came out of his mouth instead, still looking at his fingernails. "Where are you going for the date?"

"He said that the new diner that opened up last month was good. It's called Kubikiri Houcho. He said that the owner is creepy though. He'll be here around seven tonight." Satsuki pulled out the lip-gloss and started to apply it to her lips, smacking them when she was done. She then reached for the hairbrush, oblivious to her brother's inner turmoil.

_Kubikiri Houcho, huh? I know Sasori stuck in some cameras in there, paranoid and nosy as he is. I'll call in a favor, that should do it. How strange is it that the lawyer firm I work at is full of people who do shady things? _

Itachi nodded grimly, a miniscule smirk on his face. He wiped it off when Satsuki turned to look at him; her chin-length locks of hair that framed her face swinging with her.

"How do I look, Nii-san?" she asked, arms out to showcase her nice turtleneck and jeans. He looked her up and down, mind giving a mental sigh of relief when nothing was too revealing. And by revealing, he meant that he could see no skin except for her hands and face.

"You look really nice. Suigetsu is very lucky." Itachi smiled. Lucky enough to avoid him. For now. But soon, soon there will be hell to pay. Oh, how'd he make sure of that.

"Thank you Nii-san," blushed Satsuki. She had the best big brother in the world! "You better get to work though. See you tonight."

* * *

"Hey Itachi! What's up?" Itachi rubbed the bridge of his nose. Oh great. It was _him_.

Now, Itachi adored his older cousin and best friend, Uchiha Shisui. The boy was a maverick genius like him, rejecting the career of a policeman to become a... something. Shisui never gave up the name of his new job, which worried Itachi greatly. He could be part of the mob! Or the government! Or worse, a stripper! Itachi couldn't be related to a stripper, especially by way of _insane cousin_!

Ahem_._

"Hey, you look stressed. Tell big brother Shisui all that is bothering you," cajoled Shisui, wrapping his arm around Itachi's shoulders. It was lunchtime, and it made operating chopsticks really difficult when there was a 135-pound man on top of you.

Itachi flicked a pickled radish at his cousin with his ninja skills. "Something terrible has happened," he said simply, feeling inwardly pleased when he heard a wet smack from where the food hit Shisui right between the eyes.

"Oh my God, Uncle Madara escaped from the asylum again, didn't he? DIDN'T HE?" Shisui wiped off the pickle and sat up straight, almost hyperventilating. "That crazy bastard, I thought they locked him up good this time! I never should have listened to those freaks in the white coats; they can't even contain that old grandma who thought her cats were small demonic warriors from the Nth dimension! Dam-"

Shisui was cut off when Itachi shoved him off the bench. "Calm down, it's not Madara. Trust me." He shivered on the inside of his mind (because Uchiha don't show emotion, dammit!) at the very thought of Madara on the loose. Their crazy uncle (everyone had one) had kidnapped Shisui, Itachi and Satsuki when Shisui was 15, Itachi 13, and Satsuki was 8. Due to the heroic efforts of Police Chief Senjuu Hashirama and his brother Tobirama, they had been rescued. Thank. God. Madara had been convinced Shisui could control people's thoughts and actions; Itachi could send people into a hell of his own making, shoot black fire from his eyes, and summon a gigantic energy shield in the shape of a storm deity to protect him; and that Satsuki could control lightning. _Lightning_. Hey, he wasn't kidding when he said the man was _absolutely bat-shit insane_.

"Oh, okay," Shisui said as he clambered back onto the bench. He leaned over and snatched a shrimp tempura out of Itachi's bento box, snacking on it happily and ignoring Itachi's retaliatory smack. "So, what is it then?"

"Satsuki's going on a date with a man I've never met," Itachi stated.

Shisui paused, continuing to chew. First he thought that Itachi needed to learn how to put some inflection in his voice, because the robot thing was becoming more and more convincing each and every day. Then he thought Itachi need to find a girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he swung that way) because the man needed an outlet other than his little sister. Seriously. The twenty-one-year-old needed to let Satsuki have some space.

"You need to let her have some space, Itachi. I admit, some of those guys were seriously freaky, what with that Orochimaru guy I helped you deal with, but she's sixteen. You gotta let her make some of her own choices without Big Brother breathing down her back. She's not going to live with you forever, you know, and if she doesn't make mistakes now, she's going to make mistakes when she's a grown woman and it counts," Shisui said sagely. It was a rare thing, but it was known to happen from time to time.

'I'm just trying to make sure she doesn't make too bad of a mistake," protested Itachi.

"I know. Satsuki's messed up a bit from Fugaku and Auntie Mikoto's neglect, and that little bright idea of hers to gain some attention by joining a gang in sixth grade set her back even more, but it all turned out for the better. She's a somewhat normal, somewhat psychotic teenager that likes to try and kill her best friend on a regular basis to the point it doesn't bother anyone anymore-" And how. "- and teenagers date other people. Just be glad she didn't turn lesbian. While hot, it wouldn't go over well at the family reunion..." trailed off Shisui, distant look glazing over his eyes.

Itachi stared at his psychotic cousin. "...That's my little sister you're talking about being hot in a lesbian situation." He did not want to think about it. No. Never in a million years did he want to think about it. The idea of his little sister in a sexual situation was something he never ever EVER wanted to think about. He needed brain bleach. An entire bucket of brain bleach to soak his head in.

Shisui snapped out of it. "Anyways, you need to back off. Give her a little space; give her the benefit of the doubt here. Do you REALLY think Satsuki would date a complete and total loser? Or even half of one?" When Itachi didn't say anything, he continued, "Exactly. Now, while I admire your discipline in not tracking down the poor sap and murdering him brutally, you're going to have to take it a step further and let them date. Got it?"

Itachi glared at his bento, which immediately tried to set itself on fire, and nodded reluctantly.

"Good man," cheered Shisui, clapping him on the back. "Now, who is this lovely young man?"

"Imouto said his name was Suigetsu." Itachi's eyebrow twitched, as if the very name left him displeased. Which it did.

Shisui paused and let out a shaky laugh. "Ahaha... Suigetsu?"

Itachi glared suspiciously at Shisui. "Yes...?"

"Um.. does he possibly... have a... um... sword fetish by any chance?"

"_Yes_..."

"You _might_ wanna bring out the katana again, Ita-tan. ...Did you just snap your chopsticks in half? Those things are made of metal!"

* * *

Well, it turned out that Suigetsu was part of an assassination guild. No, really, those things actually existed. Suigetsu was near the middle of the guild and had a bounty on him for $3,000,000 in several countries under various names. Not bad for a nineteen-year-old. He had settled in Konoha for a little TLC, where nothing really important happened (except for the crazy schizophrenics who had access to deadly weapons of mass destruction [the mayor, Senjuu Tsunade, was a bit heavy on the drink and was particularly fond of one of the schizos], the suspicious disappearances of people, the insane patients at the asylum, the almost monthly attempts to blow up the town that was usually thwarted by young teenagers, et cetera, et cetera...) and was attending the local high school for the education he didn't have the chance to have growing up.

There he had met the girl of his dreams, a majorly psychotic teenager that was fully capable of pwning his ass. However, the girl was attracted to the shy type, the complete opposite of Suigetsu, so he settled for dating the psychotic best friend (No, not Pinky. She was a little bit _too _crazy, if you catch my drift).

To put it very lightly, Itachi was pissed. **Understatement of the millennium**. It had taken all of Shisui's mighty strength (and also Kisame's, a fellow coworker) to subdue Itachi from going out and filleting the little assassin that thought he could make the moves on his little sister.

One of the favors Sasori owed him was called in. It paid to have a shady cousin who apparently had dirt on everybody and so was easy to use to help blackmail. Itachi had blackmail of his own on Shisui (the disastrous New Years Party of 1997 for one) so it never was any trouble to get Shisui to do whatever he wanted. It was official: they were going to spy on the little motherfucker and Satsuki from the safety of Itachi's office.

"Itachi, I feel slightly creepy, watching your sister live from Sasori's cameras. Like, stalker-creepy," Shisui said nonchalantly, slurping on his soda from Braum's. Awesome chicken, Braum's.

Itachi ignored him, preferring to eye Suigetsu with eyes that seemed almost scarlet and devil-like. Shisui chalked it up to the glow of the computer screen.

"Why does Sasori have cameras in this place anyway? Didn't this place open up, like, a month ago?" Shisui asked. "He's either a nosy bastard or his levels of paranoia are inspiring to us all."

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're all not out to get you..." quoted Itachi distractedly. They were sitting down now. There was Satsuki's strange yet somehow adorable haircut (because it was _Satsuki_), pixie cut and all, and there was Itachi's prey. He was a gang member, you could tell. He had white hair with blue tips for God's sake! Itachi zoomed in on him with a few keystrokes. Were those...? Yup, the punk had filed his teeth until they were pointed. Just like Kisame. Maybe he should see if Kisame was part of this assassination guild, too. Hmm...

Shisui leaned in to check out their target. "Yup, that's him alright. Satsuki, don't you have better taste? Tsk, tsk."

"Shut up and sit down and watch," snapped Itachi, lacing his fingers in front of him to stare broodingly at the screen.

"Fine, fine. I wish we knew what they were saying though. Look, here comes the waitress. ...Fffff, that's what she said..."

"Silence!"

* * *

Satsuki took her seat across from Suigetsu, hanging her jacket on the chair back behind her. The waitress handed them their menus, smiling pleasantly. Huh, she looked sort of familiar...

"Hello, I am Haku, your waiter for tonight. What would you like to drink for tonight?"

Oh hell. Now she remembered. This wasn't a girl. It was a guy, and the one of the few that managed to beat up Satsuki in her gang days. This was a FML for sure. Why did this have to happen to her? Other than the fact she used to go around and terrorize people (Oh wait. She still does that. Itachi too.).

"Water," said Suigetsu.

"Coke-Cola, please," said Satsuki, wishing desperately to leave.

Haku smiled. "I'll be right out with that. Look over the menu while I'm gone." He left.

"This is nice," smirked Suigetsu, pointy teeth glinting.

"Um, yeah. Nice." Satsuki shifted in her chair. This was bad, because wherever Haku was, his 'master' was.

* * *

"She's shifting around."

"Itachi, calm down. She's probably nervous. She seems sort of antsy from that waitress."

"That's a man, idiot."

"WHAT?"

* * *

Haku came back, drinks in hand. "Have you decided what you all want?"

Suigetsu smiled dashingly at Haku. "Yes, we have. I'd like the filleted tuna."

"Fine choice. And you, ma'am?"

"Um, yes. I'd like the linguini with tomatoes and Romano, please." Normally, politeness wasn't Satsuki's forte, but this was a guy that put her into a death-like state for three hours with _knitting needles _for God's sake. Like hell she was going to be rude. Thank God he didn't recognize her.

"That's a particularly delicious dish. Coming right up." Haku turned away, and Satsuki could see metal flash in his back pocket that wasn't there when he had taken their drink order. Knitting needles.

...

Dammit. He recognized her. Satsuki suddenly had the overwhelming urge to bury her head into her hands and weep. This was baaaaaaaaaad.

"Why are you so tense?" asked Suigetsu, putting his hand over Satsuki's. Satsuki's eyebrow twitched. He was touching her! As in, physical, intimate contact, anathema to all Uchiha (except Cousin Shisui and Obito, but they were the oddballs in the family)!

Satsuki slid her hand out from under his with elegant ease, using it to wave it around the air. "Tense? I'm not. It's just the first date I've been on in a long time." Actually, first date ever, but who's counting?

Suigetsu stared at her. "What, is your brother, like, that controlling?"

Satsuki stiffened. "Nii-san looks after me, that's all."

Suigetsu laughed. "That's the most liberal use of the word of 'looking after' I've ever heard. You should hear the talk out on the street about your older brother!"

"What about Aniki?" Satsuki said, eyes narrowing dangerously.

Suigetsu continued on, missing the warning signs. "I mean, they said he's actually murdered some people!"

Satsuki's lips thinned. "And some people say he's a robot from outer space sent to eventually annihilate the human race," she snapped sarcastically.

"Hey, don't get snippy. I'm just repeating what others have said," Suigetsu said, hands up.

Satsuki 'hn'ed and crossed her arms.

"Aw, Satsuki-chan, don't get mad," he whined. He leaned forward. "I really like you; I'm sorry I got you upset. I won't talk about your brother anymore."

"Fine," muttered Satsuki, arms still crossed. She leant back a little bit, ever the anti-social prick we know and (somewhat) love.

"That's awesome! Hey, maybe later we can go to that movie that just came out. Do you like horror?"

"I'd have to call Aniki. He wants back at nine thirty."

"That's kinda lame. I have an eleven thirty curfew."

"There is school tomorrow, you know. He wants me to do excel academically."

"Hah! All I have to do is show up and make C's. You can graduate with that." Suigetsu leant even closer, arms crossed on the table.

"Yes, but there is no _scholarship_ in that. I want to go to America for college. Maybe Stanford or Harvard. I want to be a neurosurgeon." Satsuki felt her personal bubble being breached. She did not like her personal bubble being breached.

"That's cool," shrugged Suigetsu, not really paying attention. "I think I'll go and get a job at the garage. S'nice money."

"But will it challenge you? Don't you think that it a rather worthless way to live, just barely scraping by without taxing yourself? Aniki had to take care of me and take college level courses without any monetary help from our parents." Satsuki took a sip of her coke.

"Why is that?" asked Suigetsu.

"Nii-san rejected their choice in becoming a policeman and became a lawyer instead. He's happy there. I think he rather likes being able to argue and help people. Nii-san always did have a rebellious streak. He got it after living with Father. I suppose I have one, too," Satsuki said, taking her straw and stirring it around her glass.

"Interesting," Suigetsu said, not sounding interested at all. "Why do you want to be a doctor?"

"I want to be a neurosurgeon because it is good money. Unlike Nii-san, I don't have the need to go out and save people. Hero Complexes lead to Martyr Complexes, which my brother and best friends have in spades, even though they attest to the opposite," smirked Satsuki.

"...Ah. I guess that's a leftover from your gang days, isn't it?"

Satsuki's smirk fell from her face, and instantly became blank. "I suppose so," she stated, eyes narrowed again.

* * *

"He touched her hand."

"Now, Itachi, don't get hasty..."

"She doesn't like it."

"Remember, Satsuki's a big girl; she can handle it."

"She's upset."

"Stop stating the obvious. Look at her! Ugh, I wish I knew what they were saying."

"He's talking about me."

"Wha-? How's you know that?"

"Read their lips. It's obvious."

"Oh, excuse me for not being a super ninja like you!"

"Idiocy is no excuse."

"Brat."

"Moron."

"...I have taught you well."

"You have taught me nothing."

"... ... ..."

"...He just brought up her gang days."

"No... Is he suicidal?"

"Apparently so."

"...Stop smiling Itachi. It's creepy."

"I'm not smiling."

"YES YOU ARE!"

* * *

Suigetsu shivered from the sudden aura of death that just came over him. Where was it coming from? It was really freaking scary, not that he'd ever admit it! Satsuki looked mad again. Jeez, what was she, a giant bundle of buttons?

"What, you don't like talking about your time in the Oto Gang? I hear you were all pretty badass," he smirked. There, he had complimented her!

"That gang was worthless and not worth my time. Those losers were holding me back, so I broke bonds with them." Satsuki took another drink from her glass.

"That's kinda harsh, don'tcha think?" He couldn't think of a time he wasn't part of the assassin's guild. He got a nice job, nice money, and he only had to kill someone every three months. The idea of leaving them was unthinkable.

"I will not sugar-coat my words just because some might call it harsh. That is for sentimental fools and those with weak spines."

Ah, she was so cold. Big jerk too. How did that busty babe Uzumaki Naru deal with this on a daily basis? The girl must be a masochist. Well, he did like them feisty. Maybe that's why Karin was so stalker-ish with this girl. And by stalker, he meant, 'Take-your-toothbrush-and-dirty-gym-clothes' kind of stalker. Karin was a _freak_.

"Didn't you end up in the hospital for a few months after breaking away with them?" She wasn't all that awesome. He heard the news of how close to dying she got that day.

Satsuki's lips became a hard thin line. "Irrelevant. They are dead and I am not. Therefore, I won, even without beating them all unconscious with the help of a few people."

"Like your friend Naru and her own little gang? I hear they were the reason you broke out anyway." It was one of the most awesome stories in the crime world. Naru with her schizo alter ego, Gaara with _his_ schizo alter ego, and the others' mad martial art skills, they were considered the stuff of legends.

"Naruto is not in a gang," Satsuki said stiffly.

"Naruto? You mean Naru?" Why is she calling that gorgeous bust on shapely legs by a guy name?

"Long story that will not be repeated." Satsuki crossed her arms again. Jeez, what was her problem?

"And she is in a gang. They all call you the Konoha 12, the biggest source of crime-fighting in Konoha, even greater than the police."

"Do not make it sound like we're a crime-fighting group. All we simply do is encourage some undesirables to not keep up with their ways." Satsuki looked over at the kitchen door. "Change of subject, now."

"What?"

"Your meal," hummed Haku.

Suigetsu jumped. "Augh! I didn't even notice you!"

Haku smiled serenely. "That happens sometimes."

Why was Satsuki looking so tense again? She kept shifting around too. Maybe she was still angry about the gang thing?

Haku looked over at Satsuki. "And how are you, Satsuki-kun?"

Wait, what?

"You know her?" Suigetsu asked.

"Oh yes, when she was younger. She and her friends met me once on a bridge. It was quite foggy that day," Haku said, serene smile growing even bigger. Satsuki twitched.

"How is your friend Naru? She hasn't come by recently. And your pink-haired friend, Sakura, was it? She seemed nice. And Zabuza-sama would love to chat with your therapist Kakashi again. Seeing as how they were interrupted last time." Yup, Satsuki's eyebrow definitely twitched this time.

Wait... Zabuza... How was that so familiar?

"...She's fine. They're all fine," Satsuki bit out. What was going on?

"Oh, that's good. Zabuza-sama would love to talk to you. He wants to see how you like his diner." Haku clapped her (his?) hands together.

Satsuki's eyes widened. "Ah, no, I'm fine! Really!"

"Nonsense! He was so adamant on seeing you! Something about 'repaying' you!" Haku chirped.

Satsuki's head hit the table.

"Zabuza-sama~!" called out Haku, smile still in place. "She says to come on out!"

Seriously, why was Zabuza sounding so damn familiar? Then the kitchen doors slammed opened. And then Suigetsu remembered.

He had an allergy mask on and a headband keeping his messy hair from getting in his way. He was tall and wiry, glittering eyes glinting with barely concealed malice. And he had no eyebrows. It was Momochi Zabuza, ex-leader of the assassin's guild.

"You..." he hissed when he caught sight of Satsuki. Oh. OH. Obviously some bad blood there. Wait, why was everybody ignoring this? How messed up WAS Konoha anyway?

Then Zabuza's eyes caught a hold of Suigetsu. "YOU!" he shouted, finger pointing at Suigetsu's chest. "You're the little punk who stole my sword! I'm going to kill you!" he roared.

...This was such a bad idea to come here.

Satsuki turned to look at him. "You _stole_ his sword? What does he mean, you stole his sword?" she bit out, fists clenched.

It was a pretty awesome sword and he really really liked it? "I didn't know it was his!" Lies, but hey, who cares?

Haku narrowed her (his? Jeez, shemale, choose a gender!) eyes. "So you are the one who stole Zabuza-sama's sword." Haku reached behind himself and pulled out... knitting needles? "You will pay."

Zabuza cracked his knuckles. "Give me back my sword, you little liar, and maybe I won't break that pretty boy face of yours too badly."

Satsuki gave him a disgusted look. "You stole his sword?"

"You're not all that better! You attempt to kill your best friend eight times a day!" Suigetsu cried.

"Naruto and I have an understanding," Satsuki spat. "I know better than to steal from Mr. No Eyebrows here."

"Excuse me?" shrieked Zabuza.

"Shut up old man, I'm trying to tell this idiot off!" Satsuki yelled. She turned back to Suigetsu. "You're stupidity is amazing. I'm going home."

"Oh no, stay, brat. I still owe you and your blonde friend and that gray-haired freak a favor!" growled Zabuza.

"I'm not putting up with this. And I have no time for this. Haku, Naruto's interested in seeing you again. Zabuza, let it go. That was four years ago," Satsuki said with her typical arrogance. She turned to Suigetsu. "And you," she hissed, "are an idiot. You can get beaten up for all I care."

Suigetsu finally got angry. "You are such a frigid chick! You're unbelievable! I try and make decent conversation, and you just toss it in my face."

"Oh, and decent conversation is insulting my brother, invading my personal space and being overall nosy about things I do not want to talk about. You're only dating me so you can get close to Naruto!" Satsuki spat.

"What? That's not true!" protested Suigetsu, lying.

"I am not stupid," Satsuki countered with a toss of her head.

"You're so freaking paranoid! You have the world's worst personality!" Suigetsu yelled.

"And you are the world's biggest idiot."

"Augh! You are- you are- This is what I'd expect of a girl who sleeps with her brother!" It was just a rumor, seeing on how Itachi was so overprotective of her, but hey. The girl was a demonic harpy.

Suigetsu realized he made a terrible mistake when the killing intent in the air just went up to suffocating levels. He could almost see the flames wreathing Satsuki.

"You..." she hissed, the air freezing cold, "are the most disgusting example of male kind I have ever met." She took her drink and flipped it over Suigetsu's head. The coke splashed all over him, dyeing his hair and clothes brown. "Rot in _hell_, you absolute _scum bag_."

She grabbed her coat and shrugged it on, turning to the dumbstruck Haku and smirking Zabuza. "Sorry for the mess. I'd stay and eat, but I've lost my appetite." She then strode out of the restaurant, head held high.

The whole restaurant was quiet in shock before Zabuza turned to Suigetsu, pointed teeth in a sadistic smirk. "Now, where were we?"

* * *

"Oh my God."

"... ... ..."

"Itachi, why are you so quiet? Shouldn't you be cheering? She just dumped her soda all over him!"

"He accused her of sleeping with me."

"...Oh my _God_."

"Indeed."

"His death shall be slow and painful, isn't it?"

"Death is a mercy that I do not intend to grant."

"I see... ...Why are you looking up his financial records?"

"No reason."

"'No reason,' he says, with a smirk on his face."

"Hn."

"...Your hacking skills have improved, I notice."

"I am glad you think so."

"Ah, donating all his funds to charity, huh?"

"Suigetsu feels charitable to the plight of the orphans over in Sudan."

"How nice of him."

"Quite."

"...I see that you are adding a few things to his e-mail. You really are amazing with your hacking skills."

"I am just adding a few things that will be alerted to the police. He won't be able to squirm away this time."

"He's rather good at evading cops."

"And I am rather good at revenge."

"It is sweet."

"I agree."

"...You are so lucky I decided to opt out on being a cop."

"The city is lucky you opted out of being a cop."

"... ... ...I am hurt."

"I do not care."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"...I am so glad you don't hate me, because your vengeance tendencies are truly frightening. I see where Satsuki gets it from."

"Hn."

"Stop. Smirking."

* * *

Itachi got back from his office, feeling quite pleased that he had just ruined Suigetsu's life and left it in tattered pieces. He changed out of his office clothes into something more comfortable and started making tea, knowing that Satsuki would be pretty upset when she got home. He brought down two mugs from the upper shelf, silently fuming at Suigetsu. That asshole. Satsuki was very sensitive about her relationship with Itachi, mainly due to the fact that Itachi was both brother and father to her. Itachi was the one to care for Satsuki, the only one to see her as Satsuki, not Uchiha Itachi's little sister that wasn't as amazing as he was. Defiling and desecrating that sibling bond would not be tolerated.

... ... ...Maybe he _should_ go after the kid with the katana.

The door slammed open and Satsuki stomped in, snow coating her hair and clothes. She would seem impassive on the outside, but Itachi, being fluent in Uchiha, could tell that she was deeply hurt. She locked the door again, turned, and jumped when she saw Itachi in the kitchen.

"Nii-san?" she asked. "What are you doing?"

"Making tea. Would you like some?" he asked, gesturing to the mugs.

"Yes please," Satsuki said, walking over to the table and sitting down.

"The date not turn out well?" Itachi asked, taking out two tea bags.

Satsuki made a hissing noise, much like an angry cat. "I do not want to talk about that asshole."

"That bad, huh?"

"It was more like, complete disaster. That absolute moronic, idiotic, depraved-" she cut herself off, not trusting herself to start cursing at the top off her lungs. She buried her head in her arms, glaring at the poor innocent salt and peppershakers. "Dating is a waste of time."

Inwardly, Itachi celebrated with a dance of absolute victory, but outwardly, he calmly turned on the gas stove to heat up the water. "Not all men are like him, Satsuki."

"I know that! Nii-san is the best person I've ever met!" Satsuki interjected. "But... I wish that it turned out better. Naruto and Sakura have dated a lot of boys, and nothing like this ever happens to them. Naruto's dating Hyuuga Hiro, and Sakura has Lee panting after her, and the guy that I finally am able to date turns out to be an absolute prick."

"Don't worry. There are men out there that would kill to see you smile." Itachi included, just not in that way. He took off the kettle, seeing that the water was boiling. He poured it into the two cups.

Satsuki smiled softly. "Thanks, Nii-san. That makes me feel better."

Itachi set down the tea in front of her with a smile of his own. "Don't mention it."

So maybe Satsuki's date didn't turn out well. At least she had her brother Itachi to help her back onto her feet whenever she messed up. Life wasn't all that bad after all.

* * *

**Omake:**

There came knocking from Suigetsu's door at eight o'clock in the morning, which was way too early for anybody to be up on a Sunday in Suigetsu's opinion. It was a week since the disastrous date with Uchiha Satsuki, and Suigetsu still hurt from the pounding he got from Zabuza and Haku. Then the jerks made him pay for the uneaten food, and then his credit card didn't work for some reason, so he had to wash all the dirty dishes that night. None of his credit cards worked, all of them saying he had no money in his account, which was weird, because he had stockpiled a lot of cash in it. He eventually had to end up pick pocketing a fat, old rich man for some money to go and buy groceries.

Suigetsu staggered to his door, leg limping behind him and opened it up to see a cheery blonde and pinkette. "Uzumaki Naru and Haruno Sakura are at my door at eight o'clock on Sunday. I must be hallucinating."

Naru smiled brilliantly and turned to Sakura. "Oi, Sakura-chan, it seems somebody beat us to it."

"Maybe it was Itachi-san. You know how he is," broke in Sakura just as happily. "It has recently come to our attention that you made a complete mess of your date with our Satsuki-chan."

"Uh..."

"Now, it may not seem like the case, but our Sasuke is a delicate, delicate being, and you, sir, just trampled all over her fair, fragile maiden heart," Naru chirped.

"That is unacceptable. You know this, right?" Sakura asked.

"Huh...?"

"It seems he does not. How sad." Naru tucked a blonde strand of hair behind her ear. "I also hear that you made a few inappropriate comments at the dinner last week."

"You alluded to a shameless and all around untrue rumor that Satsuki-chan engages in an incestuous relationship with her elder brother." Sakura's smile grew even wider to the point it made her look psychotic.

"And we all know that Sasuke would never be like that with Itachi-nii. I mean, Itachi-nii is the best thing to ever happen to Sasuke, and you tainting that relationship is very... _undesirable_." Naru's eyes took on a scarlet sheen, and the air grew heavy and Suigetsu had to choke back the urge to gag from the sudden feeling of hatred and rage in the air.

Sakura cracked her knuckles, smile now gone. She picked Suigetsu up by the shirt collar, showcasing her inhuman strength. "_You made Satsuki-chan upset. For your actions..._"

"**...We're going to make you wish you were never born, pathetic human,**" growled Naru, sadistic grin twisting her face.

Suigetsu quaked from fright. This was Naru and Sakura's alter egos; this was what many men had seen before they ended up in the hospital wailing about she-hulks and demonic foxes. He was going to die. Sakura dragged Suigetsu into the house, Naru following after her with a too-large smile on her face.

When the police came to pick up Suigetsu after an anonymous tip was called in on the assassin, they found him curled up into a little ball, rocking back and forth. He kept blabbering on about Amazonian women and ultimate evil demon powers. The policemen shook their heads and sighed. Yet another victim of what the public was calling 'The Demon Trio'. They'd catch them yet, dammit!

* * *

**Author's Note: **The Demon Trio, being, of course, Satsuki, Sakura, and Naru. Naru and her schizophrenic nine-tailed fox personality, Sakura and her Inner, and Satsuki with her ultimate emo bitchiness. Oh, and her eyes that can go blood red whenever she's angry. They go around and terrorize people who piss them off. Their victims are many.


End file.
